A New Problem Arises: Akatsuki
by Spectre.of.Apples
Summary: Why is there a dead person in the base? What did Itachi do? a Naruto version of Llamas with Hats. No pairings. Rated for Itachi's devious acts.
1. A New Problem Arises: Akatsuki!

**I am a sick person. Truly sick.**

**Title is first thing that popped into my head.**

**Warnings: Randomness, OOCness, Akatsuki, dead bodies, cannibalism...so on...**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto! I do not own Llamas with Hats, either...hehe**

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><p>"ITACHI! There's a random dead person in the base!" Kisame exclaimed.<p>

"Oh, hey!" Itachi said, looking down at the man. "How did he get here?"

"Ittaaccchhii, what did you doo?" Kisame whined.

"Me? Well, I didn't do this." Itachi said, looking up at Kisame, who frowned.

"Explain what happened, Itachi!" Kisame said.

"I've never seen him before in my life." Itachi said, looking at some spot behind Kisame dreamily.

"Why did you kill this _innocent_ person, Itachi?"

"I do not kill innocent people. That is – that is my _least_ favourite thing to do." Itachi said. Kisame's eye twitched.

"Tell me, Itachi, exactly what you were doing before I got back." Kisame ordered.

"Alright, well, well I was upstairs." Itachi began.

"Okay..."

"I was – uh – I was sitting in my room."

"Yes?"

"Reading a book."

"Go on."

"And – uh – well this guy walked in."

"Okay."

"So I went up to him."

"Yes?"

"And I – uh – well I stabbed him thirty-seven times in the chest."

There was silence for a moment. "IIITTTAAACCCHHHIII! That _kills_ people!"

"Oh! Oh, wow. I totally did not know that."

"How could you not know that? You're a ninja, for crying out loud!" Kisame slapped a palm to his forehead and sighed.

"Yeah, I might be in the wrong here...This sucks."

Kisame then noticed something. "What happened to his hands?"

"What's that?"

"His hands. Wh-why are they missing?"

"Well, I – uh – kind of – uh – cooked them up. And ate them." Itachi said, not looking disturbed.

"_ITACHI!_"

"We-well I was hungry and well, you know, when-when you crave hands that's..."

"Why on _earth_ would you do that?" Kisame asked, kind of sickened.

"I was hungry for hands, gimme a break!"

"ITACHI!"

"My stomach was making the rumblies."

"Itachi!"

"That only hands would satisfy."

"What is wrong with you, Itachi!"

"Well, I kill innocent people who I have no reason to and I eat hands. That's-that's two things."

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><p><strong>I am a sick, sick person! DON'T LOOK AT ME!<strong>

**I will add extra chapters, all Naruto versions of Llamas with Hats...**

**REVIEW OR I WILL EAT YOUR HANDS!**


	2. Another Problem: Akatsuki!

**CHAPTER 2!**

**(Llamas with Hats 2)**

**Warnings: Pretty much the same as chapter 1. Minor mention of ItaNaru.**

**Disclaimer: I DON'T OWN NARUTO OR LLAMAS WITH HATS!**

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><p>"Itachi! What on earth was all that?" Kisame asked, staring at the sinking, burning ship in the background.<p>

"I'm not sure what you're referring to." Itachi said breezily.

"You sunk an entire cruise ship, Itachi."

"Are you sure that was me? I think I would remember something like that."

"Itachi! You ripped off the captain's head with ninja wire!"

"That sounds dangerous." Itachi commented.

"You were kicking children off the side of the ship!"

"Ah, that must've been horrifying to watch."

"And then you started doing...stuff...to a sculpture of that Kyuubi brat."

"Well, thank Kami the children weren't on board to see it."

"Uh, Itachi. Why is the lifeboat all red and sticky?"

"Huh. I guess you could say it's all red and sticky."

"Itachi, what're we standing in?"

"Would you believe it's strawberry milkshake?"

"No, I would not believe that."

"Um. Melted gumdrops?"

"Nooo."

"The boat nectar?"

"No."

"Some of God's tears?"

"Tell me the truth, Itachi."

"Fine...It's the lovely elderly couple from 2-B."

"ITACHI!"

"Well, they were – uh – taking all the crescent rolls."

"I can't believe what I'm hearing!"

"I will not apologize for art." Itachi said rudely.

Somewhere else, Deidara sneezed. _Somebody is talking about art...un._

"Where are the other lifeboats?"

"Well, you won the prize! I didn't even notice that!"

"Where are the other lifeboats Itachi?"

"Looking at the trajectory of the moon and the sun, probably at the bottom of the ocean. I stabbed lots of holes in them."

"ITACHI!"

"I have a problem. I have a serious problem."

"You are just terrible today!" Kisame said, looking shocked.

"Shh! Do you hear that? That's the sound of forgiveness."

"That's the sounds of people drowning, Itachi."

"That is what forgiveness sounds like. Screaming and then silence."

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><p><strong>Aah, Itachi-sama is so terrible today!<strong>

**Chapter 3 next!**


	3. Problem C: Zabuza and Haku!

**The third installment! This one isn't about Akatsuki, because I immediately thought of how Haku looks like a girl when I watched it.**

**Warnings: Always the same, yadda, yadda, yadda.**

**Disclaimer: Me: Itachi-sama! Disclaimer:**

**Itachi: *sighs* Raven does not own Naruto, me or Llamas with Hats.**

**Me: I will get the rights to you someday!**

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><p>"Zabuza-sama, we're supposed to be on vacation!" Haku said, glancing around at all the devastation. <em>Honestly!<em>

"I don't know about you, but I am having a wonderful time here."

"You toppled the South American government, Zabuza-sama!"

"The people have spoken. Viva la Resistance!"

"You pushed the Resistance leader into a giant fan!"

"He was a traitor and a scoundrel."

"He was trying to stop you pushing other people into a giant fan."

Suddenly, a foot seemed to kick from Zabuza's stomach. "Whoa, that was a foot! I seemed to have swallowed an entire person."

"That would be the hotel bartender."

"Well, that explains why my mojito is taking so long."

"It was horrifying. Your mouth unhinged like a snake."

"Wow. That sounds pretty awesome."

"I can't go anywhere with you, Zabuza-sama!"

"Oh, that hurt my feelings. Now we're both in the wrong."

"I wanna go home. We're leaving."

"In that case, I should probably mention I filled our luggage with orphan meat."

"What?"

"Well, I'm building a meat drag and not just any meat will do."

"You know what, forget it! I'm not even shocked anymore."

"Aah, that's no fun!"

"This has become the norm for you, Zabuza-sama!"

"I'll have to try harder next time."

"Please don't."

"I feel like I've been issued a challenge."

"ZABUZA-SAMA!"

"It's too late now...you."

"You?" Haku frowned.

"I totally don't remember your name."

"We've known each other for years, Zabuza-sama!"

"And what an impression you've made..."

"My name is Haku."

"What?"

"I said my name is Haku."

"Oh. I thought you were a woman."

"Why would you think that?"

"Mostly the hair. Are you sure?"

"Of course I'm sure!"

"Well, if you'll excuse me I have some pictures to burn from my secret stash." Haku gaped, his eye twitching as Zabuza strolled away.

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><p><strong>DA END!<strong>

**REVIEW!**


	4. Problem D: Akatsuki!

**Last installment of A New Problem Arises!**

**(Crowd awws)**

**I know, I know!**

**Warnings: SAME**

**Disclaimer: Me: Grell-san, would you do the honours?**

**Grell: Of course! Raven-chan does not own Naruto or Llamas with Hats.**

**Me: Onward with the story!**

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><p>"Itachi!" Kisame complained. "You've tracked mud all over the carpet!"<p>

"Now that right there is a mess."

"I just had it cleaned yesterday, Itachi!"

"I'm not responsible for this. I have been jamming on the saxophone all morning."

"They're clearly your foot prints, Itachi."

"Then there is an impostor on the loose!"

"They lead directly to you!"

"Clue number one; the impostor is a phantom."

"Itachi, stop avoiding-!" A sudden nuclear explosion ripped the wall away from the small house they were staying in. "IIITTAAACCHHHIII!"

"Happy birthday!"

"It's not – please tell me you had nothing to do with this."

"Why don't you blow out your candle?"

"You've gone too far this time, Itachi!"

"What's that? It's hard to hear you over the sound of melting city."

"How did you even do this?"

"A dollop of fairy dust."

"Itachi!"

"I ripped the tag off a mattress."

"This isn't funny, Itachi."

"Who's laughing? Clearly not all the people who just exploded."

"I'm leaving! I've had enough of this."

"But think of all the perfectly roasted faces we get to munch on now."

"What? Why?"

"Because we're...friends." Itachi looked like he swallowed a shuriken that suddenly exploded in his stomach. "And friendship is two pals munching on a well-cooked face together."

However touched Kisame was that Itachi thought of him as his friend, eating a human's face was just disgusting. "That isn't friendship, Itachi. That's sick."

"Well then you're probably not gonna like your birthday decorations."

Kisame sighed. "It's not even my – oh my god." Faces that had been ripped off people's heads were tied to the ends of balloon and were floating past them.

"Surprise!"

"Oh! Oh, no! Ah!"

"I'm sorry. I thought you liked faces. Obviously there's a miscommunication."

"This is...awful, Itachi."

"You're right. This is not nearly as tasteful as I pictured in my head."

"I think I'm gonna throw-oh god one touched me."

"This was clearly the wrong way to go." Itachi mused.

"Ya think, Itachi?" Kisame snapped.

"What can I say? I expected them to be cooked more. Raw face is just gross."

"That isn't the problem, Itachi! Why would you think any of this was a good idea?"

"Probably because I'm a dangerous sociopath with a long history of violence who killed his clan." Itachi answered matter-of-factly.

"Oh."

"I don't understand how you keep forgetting that..."

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><p><strong>IT'S REALLY THE END! :O<strong>

**Never fear, dearest readers! I will write again!**

**NOW !**


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